Setting Boundaries with Children

– A Gentle Guide for Parents of Kids with Autism, Sensory Needs or PDA

As parents, many of us struggle with the idea of setting boundaries. We want to be loving andresponsive, but we also want to guide our children in a way that keeps them safe, secure, andgrowing. When you’re parenting a child with autism, sensory processing differences, or a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile, boundaries can feel even more complicated.

Maybe you’ve tried using traditional parenting techniques and they backfired. Perhaps yourchild shuts down at the word “no,” or melts down over what seems like the smallest request.
You’re not failing. You’re parenting a child who experiences the world differently - and needs boundaries that are just as thoughtful and unique as they are.

Let’s talk about what boundaries really mean, how to approach them with empathy, and how to make them work in a way that honours both your child’s needs and your own.

What Are Boundaries - And Why Do They Matter?

Boundaries are not about control or punishment. They’re about safety, consistency, and
teaching children how to navigate the world around them. For children with additional needs, boundaries help create a sense of predictability and trust - but only when they’re delivered in a way that respects their neurological profile.

For kids with autism or sensory processing difficulties, boundaries may need to be delivered slowly, clearly, and with flexibility. For children with PDA, where anxiety and demand avoidance are core traits, even gentle instructions can feel threatening. In these cases, boundaries must come from connection, not confrontation.

1. Start with Connection, Not Control

Why it matters: Children are more likely to respond positively to boundaries when they feel
emotionally safe and connected. For PDA children, feeling controlled can trigger extreme
avoidance or panic.

What to try:

•  Use warm, collaborative language like, “Let’s figure this out together.”
• Validate their feelings before enforcing a boundary: “I can see you’re really frustrated right now.”
• Give choices where possible to help your child feel some autonomy.

Parent tip: Replace "You need to…" with "How about we…" or “Would you like to do this now or in five minutes?”

2. Keep Boundaries Clear and Predictable

Why it matters: Children with sensory or neurodivergent needs often thrive with structure and predictability. Unclear or shifting boundaries can feel unsafe or confusing.

What to try:

•  Use visual schedules, timers, or social stories to prepare your child for boundaries
  around routines (like screen time, bedtime, or leaving the park).
•  Keep language simple: “It’s time to stop now.” Then follow through gently but firmly.
  
• Be consistent. If a boundary changes every day, your child may not know what to
  expect – and this means they may test it more.

Parent tip: Try repeating a short, calming phrase: “I know it’s hard to stop, but it’s time.”
Predictable language helps create a sense of calm.

3. Use Collaborative Problem Solving
Why it matters: Children with PDA or high anxiety often react to demands with resistance,
even if they understand the reason. Working together removes the pressure and builds trust.

What to try:

•  Say, “This isn’t working for either of us. Can we find a solution together?”
• Draw or write down options: “We need to get dressed. Would you like to pick your
  clothes, or shall I?”
  
• Use humour or role-play to reduce tension. “The shoes are trying to escape! Quick -
  can we catch them?”

Parent tip: Even small collaborations - like letting them choose the order of tasks - can reduce pushback and create shared goals.

4. Respect Sensory Needs
Why it matters: A meltdown isn’t a behavioural issue - it’s often a sensory or emotional
overload. Enforcing a boundary while your child is dysregulated can escalate distress.

What to try:

• Learn your child’s sensory triggers and build in calming strategies before they hit
  overwhelm.
• Use sensory tools (headphones, chewies, fidget toys) to support transitions and
  boundaries.
• Offer breaks and safe spaces: “Let’s take a few minutes in the quiet corner, then we’ll
  try again.”

Parent tip: If a behaviour happens often during sensory overwhelm (like hitting or shouting), focus on reducing sensory input first. Boundaries are harder to learn when the nervous system is overloaded.

5. Use Gentle, Natural Consequences

Why it matters: Harsh discipline rarely works for neurodivergent children - and often
increases anxiety. Gentle consequences that make sense to your child help them understand impact without shame.

What to try:

• If a toy is thrown, it gets put away for a short time. “It looks like the toy needs a
  break. We’ll try again soon.”
• If they’re unsafe (e.g., running off), calmly bring them back and explain: “I need to
  keep you safe, so I’ll stay close.”
• Focus on repair over punishment. “It hurt your brother when you hit. Let’s see if he’s
  okay.”

Parent tip: It’s okay to take a break yourself, too. Modelling calm regulation helps children
learn how to do the same.

6. Celebrate Progress - Not Perfection

Why it matters: Boundary-setting with neurodivergent children is rarely in a neat line. You’ll
have wins and you’ll have setbacks - but every step matters.

What to try:

• Praise specific behaviours, not vague ones. “You stopped when I asked - thank you
  for listening” is clearer than “Good job.”
• Use a reward chart or token system only if it doesn’t cause stress or feel like pressure.
• Reflect on growth together: “Remember how hard brushing teeth used to be? Look
  how far you’ve come!”

Parent tip: Be kind to yourself. If something didn’t work today, you can try again tomorrow.
You're learning together.

7. Boundaries Are a Form of Love

This is the heart of it all. Boundaries, when done with empathy, are a powerful way of saying, “I care about you. I want to help you feel safe in the world.” Children with autism, SPD, or PDA may need those boundaries delivered with softness, creativity, and flexibility - but the love behind them is the same.

You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to follow strict rules or parenting books. You just need to know your child, respond with compassion, and stay open to learning what works for them. Some days will feel hard. That’s okay. You’re showing up - and that matters more than anything.

Final Thoughts - You’ve Got This

If you’re reading this and feeling overwhelmed, take a moment to pause and breathe. Parenting a child with additional needs is incredibly rewarding - but also incredibly demanding. Setting boundaries might take more effort, more creativity, and more patience than you ever imagined. But it’s possible. And you’re already doing better than you think.

Boundaries don’t have to be rigid. They can be soft and kind, clear and safe, respectful and flexible. And most importantly, they can demonstrate that love with limits is still love.

Parent Cheat Sheet: Setting Boundaries with Neurodivergent Kids

(Warm. Gentle. Effective.)

What Boundaries Are

A way to keep children safe, not control them
A tool to create consistency, not conflict
A chance to teach - not punish

Key Tips to Remember

1. Stay Connected First - “Let’s figure this out together.”
Connection before correction helps reduce resistance.

2. Keep Language Simple & Predictable
Use the same phrases for key transitions. - “First teeth, then story,” or “It’s time to stop now.”

3. Offer Choices to Avoid Power Struggles
Autonomy reduces anxiety - especially for PDA. - “Do you want to tidy up now or in 5 minutes?”

4. Watch for Sensory Overload
Dysregulation = they can’t listen or follow boundaries.
Calm first, teach second. Use sensory supports.

5. Use Visuals and Timers
Picture cards, countdown timers, now/next boards.
Clear transitions = fewer meltdowns.

6. Use Natural, Gentle Consequences, not Punishment
“Throwing = toy needs a break.”
Repair over shame: “Let’s check if they’re okay.”

7. Celebrate the Small Wins
“You stopped when I asked - thank you.”
Progress over perfection, always.